Characters

René Artois
(Gorden Kaye)

René Artois

The local café proprietor. He tries to remain impartial, but has been brought unwillingly into the war on both sides. He has to secretly hide stolen valuables for the Germans or be shot; the Resistance are using his café as a safe-house for two shot down British airmen; and on top of that, he is trying to keep his passionate affairs with his waitresses secret from his wife.


Edith Artois
(Carmen Silvera)

Edith Artois

René’s wife, and the café's resident cabaret performer. However, her singing is so bad the locals stick cheese in their ears to block out the terrible sound. She is also the subject of much romantic wooing by the local undertaker, Monsieur Alfonse, and the Italian, Captain Bertorelli.


Madame Fanny La Fan
(Rose Hill)

Madame Fanny La Fan

Edith’s mother. She lives in the attic of the café, which is also the place where the British airmen and the Resistance's radio (complete with "Ze flashing knobs") are hidden.


Yvette Carte-Blanche
(Vicki Michelle)

Yvette Carte-Blanche

A waitress at the café. She is in love with René, and wants to elope with him, but is unable to due to René having to stay loyal to his wife. She is also responsible for entertaining the German officers, upstairs at the café with the wet celery and the flying helmet


Maria Recamier
(Francesca Gonshaw)

Maria Recamier

Another waitress at the café. She too is in love with René. She has no idea that Rene also loves Yvette. She believes that Rene should run away with her. She is extremely thick!


Mimi Labonq
(Sue Hodge)

Mimi Labonq

The extremely short replacement waitress for Maria. She is also a secret agent for the Resistance and has a bloodthirsty hatred of the Germans. She also has a secret mission to kill the “German swines” often after wooing them.


Michelle Dubois
(Kirsten Cooke)

Michelle Dubois

Leader of the local French Resistance, she is responsible for coming up with elaborate plans to help the British airmen escape, and ingenious plots for blowing up German ammunition trains and lorries.


Monsieur LeClerc
(Jack Haig)

Monsieur LeClerc

The Resistance's forger, master of disguises and café piano player. He is responsible for delivering various goods, batteries, bombs and radio equipment to the café. This duty is undertaken by LeClerc in a variety of very bad disguises ranging from being an onion seller to being a lost mountain hiker.


Monsieur Alfonse
(Kenneth Connor)

Monsieur Alfonse

He is in love with Madame Edith; often wooing her with flowers and the exciting prospect of living above the mortuary. He has a serious heart condition, causing his "dicky ticker" to go into overdrive upon the revealing of women's underclothing. He often aids the resistance.


Major-General Von Klinkerhoffen
(Hilary Minster)

Major-General Von Klinkerhoffen

A ruthless but ineffectual commander. He always threatens to have French peasants shot when the resistance attacks the German army. He occupies a rather grand chateau where he is wooed by the café waitresses in order to aid a Resistance mission to steal the knockwurst.


Colonel Von Strohm
(Richard Marner)

Colonel Von Strohm

The town German commandant. He is kept occupied by hiding valuable local paintings and antiques, which he intends to sell after the war. He frequently visits the café, which he loves and the waitresses there provide him with much entertainment.


Lieutenant Gruber
(Guy Siner)

Lieutenant Gruber

A German officer on leave from the Russian front, with a crush on René. He is also responsible for forging certain pieces of art. He is extremely fond of his "little tank" driven by the unseen Clarence. Despite his overtly camp behaviour, it is revealed in the very last episode of the series that he eventually married Helga and had numerous children.


Captain Hans Geering
(Sam Kelly)

Captain Hans Geering

Original assistant to Colonel Von Strohm, he is extraordinarily lenient for a German officer, he also frequently visits the café, where the waitresses provide him with much entertainment.


Captain Alberto Bertorelli
(Gavin Richards)

Captain Alberto Bertorelli

An Italian who has come to the local town, as Mussolini has joined the war. He has an eye for the ladies and is known as a womaniser. His Italian troops are a complete mess and always run away. In greeting, he kisses everybody except Gruber whom he knows about and shakes his hand from far away.


Herr Flick
(Richard Gibson)

Herr Flick

The local Gestapo officer who tries to show as little emotion as possible. Dressed in a long leather double-breasted coat over a pinstriped suit, with a wide-brimmed leather hat, leather gloves and octagonal steel-rimmed glasses. He fancies the equally blonde Helga and is the godson of Himmler. He is known for his considerably exaggerated limp.


Private Helga Geerhart
(Kim Hartman)

Private Helga Geerhart

The Colonel's secretary, and lover of Herr Flick. She is well built, and known for a tendency to take off her clothes for usually tenuous reasons, showcasing a vast range of erotic lingerie.


Herr Von Smallhausen
(John Louis Mansi)

Herr Von Smallhausen

Herr Flick's assistant. Dressed exactly like Herr Flick but only half as tall. He also copies his exaggerated limp. He often suggests stupid plans and ideas, only for them to be put down by Herr Flick.


Officer Crabtree
(Arthur Bostrom)

Officer Crabtree

A British spy posing as a French police officer. Unfortunately, he has a terrible grasp of the French language, which means that sometimes he is quite incomprehensible.


RAF Flight Lieutenants Fairfax and Carstairs
(John D. Collins and Nicholas Frankau)

RAF Flight Lieutenants Fairfax and Carstairs RAF Flight Lieutenants Fairfax and Carstairs

Two British airmen trying to get back to England, having been shot down over France.

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